Zen Sarcasm Reviews

Note That I Am NOT Calling You "Cheap"

You love bargains.

You are the kind of person who perhaps awaits the weekend newspaper to luxuriate in the coupon inserts.  You couch-surf for change; you tackle your local high schooler for information on how to get te $20 coupon booklet (you know the one-- you have two). 

You like saving money.  Your idea of diving includes a reinforced-plastic bin and a neatly-printed sign that reads "clearance".

So I'm being a good person and telling you that you need to go to the Mom Central Summer Giveaway, where you can win things like a vacuum cleaner, toys for kids, products for your home and all manner of edibles.

Go on.  Click.  You know you want to.

Late To The Book Party (But Not Out!)

Being an only child means you kind of get to be your own role model --as weird as that sounds-- and realizing that if you want to do things that fall outside the parameters of that which is offered to you, you're going to have to figure it out on your own.

Let's just say that I didn't really do that much cool stuff when I was a younger girl.

When I heard that there would be a sequel to The Daring Book for Girls-- a.k.a., The Double -Daring Book For Girls, I was excited.  I was doubly excited, if you will, not just because I was in the last part of my second pregnancy and wondering if I'd have a girl with whom to share this second treasure trove of information; but also because I enjoyed the first one for myself so very much.  I loved reading about girl pirates and knots and about back-handsprings, etc.  I loved thinking of girls, especially only children like I was, figuring out things for themselves and becoming badasses in their own right and time.

So along came the book and along came another boy, and I realized that I can be a Daring Girl for my own self even if I'm not technically a girl anymore; and for my boys, so they can have the memory as they get older that their mom was really, really kind of cool.

Hope really really *really* springs eternal, huh?

_________

To be honest, if the source of being cool is stored within these pages, I am pretty damn cool.

For instance, I can scoubidou.  Can you?  That is, I can make lanyards-- I learned how to do it while being a summer camp counselor.

And I knew that my second-born child was born around the time of the Snow Moon.  I knew this because I like to garden and I'm fascinated by the way Native Americans (or do they call themselves American Indians again?) catalogued the world around them.

And I still remember the first time I had a sleepover and we did the trust fall.  I also remember something else we did where it felt like your arms were sinking into the floor-- talk about cool and creepy; I think it was called the graveyard crawl.

But then I started reading about the Japanese tea ceremony and I got really excited: I have always wanted to know how to do a proper tea ceremony, and so I have vowed to get true matcha and a kimono, and go crazy one of these days with the tea.

There are so many wonderful things in the pages of this book, and some of them beg a summer in which to be done, like catching a fish; whittling; learning to identify the night sky; growing veggies; raising chickens; making a piñata from papier mâché; and building a raft.

Since this is a book party, the party is not complete without you, dear reader.  I would love to know-- which of the things I've mentioned here would you love to try or have tried, either by yourself or with your kid(s)?

Wiki-d Awesome, For Moms

If you are anything like me, you want to give to the world a brave face of über-authority while deep inside you are eaten up by doubts.

I am eaten up by doubts on a fairly regular basis.  Below are a few of the doubts I currently have on loop:

• Does seeing green poop coming out of my three-month old's butt and not knowing what that means make me a bad mother?

• Does bargaining with stickers and tattoos for leverage when it comes to bathtime and bedtime for my three-year old make me a bad mother, or just a lazy one?

• And while we're at it, can someone tell me what's the best way of getting rid of the twenty  thirty fifty  er, "additional" pounds leftover from pregnancy? 

Curious moms want to know, but we don't always know who to turn to, especially if we don't have a large circle of moms to share with.  And even if we do have a large circle, sometimes things are best discussed with the Internets-- especially if those "sometimes" happen to be at around 2:17 am and we won't be able to go back to sleep unless we read up on something.

Of course, I realize you may have a healthier attitude toward doubt-- but that doesn't mean you don't ask yourself things every once in a while, right?

Right?

Enter a new website you might like, called Mamapedia (Tagline: The Wisdom of Moms.) and it is just that:  moms like me and possibly you, who give their honest advice on everything from Acrobatic toddlers to Zoo-induced tantrums.

We all have our questions and Mamapedia is like the friend who lets you wake her up to ask her a silly question, only you don't have to (and it's probably not at all silly, either)!

High Jinks and Low Suckly Rumblings From Breasts on the Go

I am very happy to be able to participate in the Mom Central Evenflo Comfort Select Performance blog tour.  Although I am a stay-at-home breastfeeding mother (read: breasts are available whenever, wherever), experience has taught me it's always a good idea to keep a small cache of expressed milk on demand.

You never know when you'll be whisked away to a romantic overnight surprise dinner (*snark*) or when you'll come down with some disease like herpes zoster, which will mean that you will not be able to nurse your child for three to ten days (this is a friend's true story).

Pumping is by no means a perfect endeavor: whether manual or electric, there is that jarring mechanical noise as your breast is rhythmically suckled by pieces of plastic that collect what has been called "precious gold" but which looks like a humble, thin fluid that separates awfully easily from its cream.  There is that hollow feeling that follows even the most gentle of milkings.  And then there is the fact that you're standing shirtless for an extended period of time, waiting for something to happen or pleasepleaseplease emerge from your breast --and a friend tells a pretty funny story about what can happen when you are in said predicament aboard a train and a ticket collector thinks you're up to no good because you've spent too much time in the train's bathroom.

With this preamble out of the way, I am happy to endorse the Evenflo Comfort Select Performance dual breast pump.  The dual electric action makes it useful to minimize shirtless time, and the number of sensitive milking pieces is small and yet not small-- meaning that you won't be desperately screaming and cursing while you look for a tiny, less-than-one-centimeter-in-diameter membrane that was left behind somewhere in your dishwasher, sterilizer or breast pump bag and without which the pump will NOT work. 

The pump is light -- perhaps a little too light, as I was afraid to stand it up on its base, even, for fear it would topple over (it didn't)-- and fits inside a cleverly designed bag which also has compartments for carrying your freshly expressed milk safely (i.e. the compartments are insulated and come with custom-fit ice packs so you don't lose all that work and milk to hotter temperatures).  The assembly is also happily intuitive, which means you won't be fumbling for a tiny widget, only to watch the pieces fall apart and down to the floor as you attempt to start your pumping.  And with several settings only an easy-to-use dial away, you can control just how maniacally you'd like your nipples tugged on a particular day.  I found that I expressed little or no milk in the lower settings, personally; but that there was a very fine line between the right amount of pull and so much suction that I ended up with what I affectionately call "hollow-boob syndrome."  I expect this is something that can be fine-tuned as one becomes more comfortable pumping and the breast pump does not feel as new.

Pumping is not perfect, and any woman who has ever done it can probably attest to feeling sorry for all the cows in the world (all hail, Holsteins, Jerseys, et al!).  But a good, easy to use/assemble pump can make this sacrificial and thankless task a little easier and less painful.

_________

Snark aside, I think this is a good product for the mother who needs to build a small cache of milk in order to be ready for life's little curveballs.  If YOU, dear blog reader, would like to WIN a Comfort Select Performance dual breast pump and two boxes of nursing pads, please leave comments here or in my main blog telling me about your most embarrassing pumping or breastfeeding experience.  I will have a couple of my fellow mothers with embarrassing stories of their own determine the winner, so please watch this space!

Worth repeating:

1. If you would like to WIN a Evenflo Comfort Select Performance breast pump,
2. You must be a nursing mother or friends with a nursing mother who will benefit from Evenflo's and my generosities (preferably who reads this blog, because I'm a charming devil),
and
3. You MUST tell me an embarrassing pumping or nursing story in the comments or by email, if you prefer it. 

Up and at 'em, ladies!

Greatest Show on Earth, Now Discounted!

No matter how old you are, I am sure you have some sort of memory associated with the circus.  Maybe you wanted to be the ringleader, or maybe you wanted to ride astride an elephant. 

Maybe you just liked to go see the trapeze artists.  Maybe you were scared of the clowns.

Maybe you liked the lions leaping or the scent of manure lingering in the air (because you were a very, very weird child).

But guess what?  The circus is coming to town!  You get to reminisce as you make your own new memories with your own family-- be they your close friends or your spouse, mother-in-law and four children, of course.

Ringling Brothers would like you to go to the circus, and they are offering you a discount!  Listen up:

You will get a 20% discount if you enter code MCC at checkout over at http://www.ringling.com

*Please note that the code is valid for buying tickets with the following ticket price brackets: $24, $19, and $13. The code above is valid for the circus shows in the following cities:

Indianapolis, IN - Sept. 4-7, 2008
Kansas City, MO - Sept. 10-14, 2008
Grand Rapids, MI - Sept. 18-21, 2008
Denver, CO - Oct. 2-13, 2008
Boston, MA – Oct. 8-13, 2008
Cleveland, OH - Oct. 24 - Nov. 2
Chicago, IL - Nov. 6 - 30, 2008
St. Louis, MO - Nov. 6-9, 2008
Auburn Hills, MI - Nov. 12 - 16, 2008
Highland Heights, KY - Feb 27 - Mar. 1, 2009
Cincinnati, OH - Mar. 4 - 8, 2008

So!  Go get yourself some memories and some cotton candy.
And beware the clowns.

The Young, The Restless, and The Alien

Can I be honest?

I was rooting for the bad guys in this book.

____________

The book in question is called "The Dangerous Days of Daniel X" and it's a first-person account of a teen-aged alien hunter boy who is after his parents' assassins.  Along with this sad, vigilante endeavor, he is also out to singlehandedly save Earth from terrifying, cruel and heartless aliens who seek to plunder and devastate our lovely planet.

The book, as with the "Maximum Ride" series --of which I reviewed the third installment about a year ago-- is written in a chatty, very casual style chockful of hip cultural references and cheeky self-deprecating sarcasm to couch some of the extremely graphic (if highly improbable) violence that envelops these wunderkinder's lives.  Certainly Mr. Patterson's writing style is highly entertaining and readable, and yours truly was able to finish this book with no problem in three days (with plenty of interruptions, might I add).

But where the Maximum Ride series had a variety of kids and talents to counteract all the Messiah-complex of Max, the main character, in this book we only get Daniel to keep us company. 

It's true: Daniel is the good guy and he does have wonderful powers and a harrowingly sad backstory and he's supposed to be our savior and he can kind of bring people back from the dead (sort of) (...ooh).  And he can have his winsome moments, where he's cracking jokes at his expense or telling us stories of what he's seen or where he's been.

The main problem is that he isn't a winsome enough character all on his own.  It gets tired to read about our hero and all his laundry list of awesomeness and recklessness, and about this parallel universe of baddies so bad they put your average politician to shame and about a possible bleak future that we should care about so much but we cannot because it's so far-fetched --even for a science-fiction book-- that it's hard to muster any real urgency.  And the story itself is rather simplistic, even for a young adult book, that it feels recycled at best.

Overall, I hope many a young boy out there can find this book exciting and can truly get himself lost in the story.  Certainly a woman in her 30s is not the correct demographic for this book, even if it is a well-written book by a prominent author.

If you would like to give a test drive to The Dangerous Days of Daniel X, I suggest you click here, for a USA Today book excerpt as you may find it interesting and fun, or perfect for a young reader in your acquaintance.  

I would like to thank MotherTalk for allowing me to be a part of this book tour.

Brush 'em, Brush 'em, and Do Something Good for the Earth

Thanks to the awesome folks over at MomCentral, I am here to tell you about the Recycline toothbrushes, and why you should care about them.

First of all, you should care about the fact that this is a product made in the USA with a high percentage of recycled materials (oh yeah, 100%!!! in the handle area) -- a rare occurrence in today's world.

Second, because you should be changing that skunky toothbrush of yours, and soon.  You should rotate your toothbrush every 3 months for optimum oral hygiene.

Third, because now that you're toothbrushless, I am hereby giving you a nice $1.00 off coupon to go buy yourself one of these bad boys.  See?  That's how thoughtful I am.

Lastly, and most importantly, because these toothbrushes are thoughtfully designed by a dentist with a cool curved handle that is comfortable to grip and does an excellent job of cleaning your teeth.  I'm serious: I'm still rubbing my tongue on my teeth because they feel so squeaky clean.  And this is from a person who --knocking on wood-- has never had a cavity, so I must be doing  something right (I hope).

So go on and print the coupon and get yourself a new toothbrush.  Do you really need more reasons.

Okay: here's one more.  BECAUSE I SAID SO.

And Without the Emotionally-Scarring Bits

Sometimes I roll my eyes at the gushing, glowing reviews that books get with quotes such as these,

A must-read!!!
You'll devour it in one sitting!!!!!!!
Couldn't put it down!!!!!!!
ZOMGOMGOMG!!!11111111 (granted, you'll never find a reputable publication that would honest-to-goodness print that one, but hey-- it's the blogosphere)

And yet, I must be honest and admit that in the case of A Summer Affair that is exactly what happened.  I received my tight little package on a Friday afternoon, and by Monday evening I had that thing licked and dissected-- I'd had my own little summer affair with no painful aftereffects.  I can only use this space to do the following:

1. Apologize to my poor dear husband for talking way too much about the book,
2. Thank the book's author, Elin Hilderbrand, for the inspiration for impromptu marital counseling sessions (see #1),
3. Warn you that if you are not into good character development in your summer reads, and you're uncomfortable with the subject of adultery, then this is not the must-read, can't-put-down, devoured-in-one-long-weekend sitting book that it was for me.

As I don't really want to spoil much that the Amazon review or the title itself won't give away, the book explores a woman's affair, Claire, with a man, Lock, whom most people who know her would agree is the unlikeliest of matches-- and vice-versa.  She is a frustrated artist and a busy mother of four; he is a wealthy businessman stuck in a loveless marriage.  Theirs is a bittersweet romance that spans a gut-wrenching year, as we're also taken on a tour of the other complex lives of those who surround the clandestine couple. 

While we're roped into Claire and Lock's initially innocent affair, we also get to meet Siobhan, Claire's best friend who has a couple of hard secrets of her own; Daphne, Lock's mentally unstable wife; Isabelle, a pariah of New York high society; Gavin, Lock's smarmy, spoiled and overly efficient employee; and an incredibly deep and complex supporting cast of characters that bring believability and humanity to a story that could otherwise be summed up as a trashy quickie read about a woman who gives in to her passions just because the opportunity arises.

Thank you to MotherTalk for letting me be part of this blog tour and allowing me to read such a fun book.  And if you're out there in blogland looking for a poolside read, seriously consider this one.  I think you'll be happy you did.

Because New Motherhood Doesn't Have to Mean Six Months of Solitary

I am a bonehead: I was supposed to review "The Rookie Mom's Handbook" last night and I completely forgot.  I have no excuse, really: in between dinner and the ritual watching of TV and putting the baby down to sleep the deadline whooshed silently by with so much as a weird stirring inside me.

But a day late, albeit not a dollar short, I am here to tell you about this fun little volume which purports to have 250 activities to do with your newborn.  This is a companion volume to the Rookie Moms
website and blog-- or rather a spin-off/compilation: the website has even more ideas (for free!) for new moms to do with their new babies, which is how the book idea got started. 

I could not think of a better book to give to a new mother, who is still confused and maybe a little depressed and forlorn and at times might feel saddled with the responsibility of carrying around a little defenseless and completely dependent little body, instead of realizing she's been given a whole new perspective on life.  The book is filled with easy suggestions you can at least give a try or consider when you feel more comfortable with baby-- something as simple as grabbing a cup of coffee at an al fresco café or going to see the pretty flowers at your local botanic garden or conservatory of flowers; things that may not occur to a mom who may feel that baby is too fragile or that she will not be accepted by other people.  I honestly believe new moms need to hear these pieces of advice --neatly packaged in small morsels for the short-term-memory-deprived set-- because these are the things that no parent how-to book will tell you about.  These are the little things that can beat the baby blues.

If you have a baby shower for a first time mommy coming up, you now know what to get her.  And if you need ideas yourself, now you know where to go on the web!  Pay a visit to the Rookie Moms!

_________

Thanks, MotherTalk for including me in the blog tour for this book.

Yummy Enough to Re-read

Sometimes things are born in a place of pain and hurt, and evolve into beautiful things that can transcend their beginnings and serve a higher purpose. 

Maybe this is not the first thing that may hit most people when they start to read The Yummy Mummy Manifesto: Baby, Beauty, Balance and Bliss, but it gave me pause.  The author and illustrator of this charming, quirky tome, Anna Johnson, came into her own motherhood with feelings of hurt, impotence and alienation, first as the recipient of an emergency caesarean section; and later as a new mother feeling isolated and alone, far away from family and trying to find like-minded mothers in that dance that many of us have done and known so well-- that mother-centered flirtation that leads women encumbered/blessed with children to loiter around parks and public areas hoping to find someone with whom to bond and with whom to share age-appropriate woes.

___________

What makes The Yummy Mummy Manifesto a good book to buy and recommend as a new mother and to a new mother is the lovely language --frank, rich, and evocative-- and the feeling that you get that this is a person who is leveling with you.  Ms. Johnson may be new to this motherhood business --as many of us are, really-- but her candor in relating her experiences, her choices, and her memories of mothers past make the read a very fun one.  And really, her candor in sharing her pain, disappointment, frustration and ultimately embracing of the reality she was given, are what make this book what it is: a guide to becoming the mother you want to be-- and really, the designer clothing is optional.

Although Ms. Johnson rails against the all-too-common experiences of motherhood being more like a faceoff of beliefs and customs --working mother vs. stay-at-home mother, etc. just to name one such "category"-- I can't help but point out that the book is a much more fulfilling and pleasant read if one ascribes to at least most of the practices that the author herself has followed.  In fact, I expect that a formula-feeding mother who may read this book might walk away feeling a little less than yummy herself because she did not breastfeed her child or children.  I do not claim that this was the author's intention: it is clear that her purpose with this book and with the support of breastfeeding is to promote and celebrate this and every aspect of the experience of motherhood.  However, I can see how the differing view can bristle when reading the breastfeeding chapter, for instance.

This might also be the case with the very explicit and saucy chapter on being very pregnant and very horny. 

I personally had to let out a loud laugh when I embarked upon this particular chapter --you always think you're the only one-- but I can also see how other people might find that part of the book distasteful and downright rude.  Even some of the illustrations, which feature nursing mothers and beautiful, sensual and in some cases nude women might raise eyebrows.  This book is not meant for people who blush easily and/or are uncomfortable with their bodies-- or perhaps it's meant just for them.

But one of the more fun parts of the book, and which everyone can certainly enjoy, is the tips for dressing during the different stages of pregnancy and postpartum, and all the other great ideas for becoming the yummy mummy you want to be: anything from small treats to stealing bits of time or sexual intimacy from the beast of motherhood lack-of-time-itis.
__________

I can honestly say I enjoyed this book thoroughly, and have already started recommending it to my friends.  Thank you MotherTalk for including me in this book tour and allowing me to partake of such a fun book.