The Reflection Gets Tired, Too

Mid-Atlantic Stream (Day two hundred twenty-four), originally uploaded by Madame Meow.

Reflecting, reflecting, reflecting.

I am slowly grinding to a standstill.

I think I am getting tired of examining my life and that of others; of trying to explain motivations and secret motives and hopes and dreams and longings.

I am getting tired of looking at myself and looking at my life as detached as if I'd emptied the contents of my purse and were superciliously trying to inspect those items in their entirety, and the bottom for crumbs and stray hairs.

Sometimes I don't want to know why I do something.

Sometimes, I don't want to explain it to you either, or to anyone.

I want to live a life free of contemplation and examination and neurosis. I want to be like my cat, who happily licks her own asshole clean with nary a thought as to why this would be something that would make the rest of us throw up, were it our fate.

For the dog people, picture something similar but also involving the eating of shit-- shit that isn't even yours to begin with.

I am tired of finding my motives.
I'm tired of psychoanalysis and tired of knowing that there is something wrong with me-- because there is something majorly wrong with me and with my life.

It's nice to know that even when I ask for the oblivion of lack of introspection, the neuroses won't leave me alone.

You know, the "hot poker digging into my side" kind of nice.

Comments

[Air Yeezy]

Fascinated by your blog to it! How could someone be such a combination of background and the perfect article! I hope you will continue to fuel

[alejna]

I know what you mean. The tendency for constant introspection is a curse. I am cursed, too. I could be so much more productive if I could just barrel forward without the need to analyze everything I do.

I'm sorry you are feeling so weary.

On the other hand, I think your photo is super cool.

[Vixen]

My husband analyzes everything and it can drive me nuts. I don't examine everything in detail yet I'm able to understand a lot because I listen to him and my own mind quietly analyzes everything. I can sympathize but can't empathize.

I hope you can find some way to quiet down your introspective mentality without losing your curiosity.

Although, I have to ask this question: "What makes you think something is wrong with you and your life?" As the song goes, it's your life.

If this is who you are, what's wrong with that? Just means you see the world differently. It might not be the "right" way for someone else to live, but it's you and your life not someone else's.

[Jenny]

First, love the photo.

Second -- wow, you sound really down. :( Let me know if you want to do coffee or something. I'm working FT these days, but I'm sure we could figure something out. I'm sorry you feel like your life is wrong. I think sometimes we all feel that, and I hope that this is just a passing thing for you.

Hugs,
Jenny

[Merujo]

I understand what you're feeling and expressing, so very, very well. There are times when I abandon my writing for days or weeks because I don't want to talk about what's in my head or analyze my life and my flaws to the point where I seem like a one-trick pony of internalized gloom.

But I see so much beauty and everyday joy in what you offer up here - in images and in the ups and downs of the life of a creative, vibrant woman/mother/wife/human. Sometimes, I think all creative people walk a tightrope between light and darkness and between allowing our neuroses and issues unleash themselves and our desire to keep them on a tight lead. I have a hard time walking that line sometimes and finding my boundaries of safety, security, and sanity versus my desire and need to talk/write/be heard.

You're not alone. Not by a longshot, my friend.